It recently came to my attention that Oprah shut down a large section of what is referred to as the Magnificent Mile a few weeks ago. Who? Oprah Winfrey – the lady with the talk show. You know, there was a 30 Rock episode that seemed to be about her on some level? Yes! That one.

Coincidentally, I happened to have an appointment on south Michigan on the Tuesday after Labor Day that she was having the party. So it was pretty obvious something was going on. I can figure out stuff like that; I’m very much like a private detective with an obnoxiously casual dress code.

Perhaps some of you are skeptical that I actually had an appointment in the same vicinity as Oprah’s party – I think the first paragraph of the post established that I am not starstruck by Oprah. The only personal connection I have to Oprah is the nagging suspicion that some particular Oprah episode is responsible for my mom driving her mail to the post office for years instead of simply putting it in the mailbox. Blame for that: it’s 90% chance of Oprah, 10% chance of Dateline / local news exposé.

Oprah with the B.E.P. (Everytime I see them, I think, Oh Fergie is still in the band.)

Judging by the throngs of people downtown for the block party, people really love Oprah, or have been secretly waiting for years for the chance to be crammed into the middle of Michigan avenue for hours without being run over by aggressive taxicabs or clueless tourists. Apparently people had started camping out since 2AM – and the party didn’t even start until 5PM. Save us Oprah-wan, you’re our only hope…These people, I can only imagine, are the same people who in the comments section of Oprah.com address their comments to Oprah personally. “Oprah, I’m sorry I can’t come to the block party.” What?! Did Oprah personally send you an eVite to join her on Michigan Avenue? If so, why does she insist on keeping you, her close friend, safely locked behind a barricade? Are you marking your status as “Maybe” until something better turns up, but you don’t piss off Oprah because she’s a billionaire and one of the world’s most powerful women? Or are you just deciding between this and book club? Book club, after all, generally doesn’t require camping out.

With Oprah everywhere and all up in our faces, Cait and I were discussing it at home one night. She told me that she’d heard Oprah had been working on an interview with Whitney Houston and that according to Oprah, it was the best interview she’d ever done. I don’t have much to draw from, but the whole thing did strike me as worthy of a rant. It might be the best interview Oprah’s ever done, but besides Tom Cruise jumping up on the couch, who even remembers an interview that Oprah’s done? And Whitney Houston? Really, is she coming back? Do I care? This is the woman who, in a previous tell-all interview while married to Bobby Brown, used the phrase “Crack is Wack.” Apparently, she blatantly lied about doing drugs – implying that, “Yes, perhaps I’ve done a drug or too, but there’s just no way I’d be doing crack. I’m Whitney Houston, bitch. My marriage to Bobby Brown should assure you that I’m the classy lady you think I am.” At the very least, I’d say, have the decency to go with a vague blanket denial instead of trying to carve out tiers of drug-use morality and then placing yourself on one of those higher tiers.

You have to imagine that the interview is intended to kickstart some type of comeback for Whitney, but comeback for what? Does anyone believe that Whitney’s music is going to translate to a contemporary chart topper? Chart tickler? Shit, if I’m pulling for anyone to have a comeback it’s Britney Spears, provided she can get fit and rediscover her roots, and by roots, I mean the Catholic School girl aesthetic that had more than a thing or two to do with her rocket-like rise to the top. Whitney Houston? Americans love nothing more than to build people up, tear them down, and then sometimes, just sometimes to build them up again. (See Britney Spears). But Whitney Houston? If you’re going to spin wildly out of control on drugs, at least have the decency to make a mess of yourself in the newspapers like Amy Winehouse; don’t do it behind closed doors or without cameras documenting the specific degree of depravity of which you’re capable. Let us go along with you for the ride – because otherwise, I’m not invested, I don’t care if and when you come out the other side. And finally, as far as comebacks go, Whitney, weren’t you the one who said “I believe the children are the future?” I think it’s time to step aside and let those children have their future. Or if not, have one of those children pass the pipe on over, because kids these days really have the hook ups.

Let the comeback begin. Let’s get it started.